I'm so depressed. I miss Joseph so much ): I wanna go home already and stay with him. Why I can't I just stay in the Philippines with him? That'd make everything so much easier for me and Lucas. I hate it when my family decides for me ): I know its better for me to stay here but there's a lot of ways and I know they can help me they just don't want to ): I wanna stay there for a long time, it's not like my baby can't get his monthly check up there.. Everything's the same. And Joseph told me he'll pay for everything when I'm there. I just don't know what to tell him anymore. I miss him and my family's ruining our relationship.

I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with my new family.

Nancy's coming with us to the Philippines on Dec. I'm still not sure about it but that's what grand told me this morning. I really don't know what to think bec I know Nancy will be all up in my business when she goes home with me in the Philippines. And I'll probly have to come back soon too bec she won't be staying there for long ): I really don't know what to think right now, it makes me sad. I really wanna have my own decisions for my life but I can't do that since I still lean on them. I just wish I have my own job so I can afford my own place and my baby's stuff. I just wish I don't need their help anymore ):

I told Joseph that we couldn't plan anything yet bec Nancy will just ruin everything.. I know she's not gonna let me sleep over at Joseph's house ): I just wish they'd let me, Lucas's Joseph's son too. He has the rights to be with him.. more than they do. I wish they can understand that.. sometimes my family are too selfish. They don't think about others, they just think about their benefits. It sucks to deal with all of these esp when I'm so stress about having a new baby. I know its all my fault and I'm too young for this, but I still need help, you know. I can't do this on my own. God please help me. Help my family to understand. Guide me to the right path, God. Thank you.

I went to the Gym last night and walked for 25 mins.. I was thinking about running but I wasn't really up for it anymore ): I'm thinking I should try again today and see if I can run. Its not like I really need it or anything, but I'm ready to have Lucas now (: I'm not having cold feet anymore, I wanna see my baby! Haha. Btw, Joseph called when I was out and Mom told him I went to the gym and that ticked him off. He didn't know I go the gym, he just knows I walk.. Haha, and he got mad bec I didn't commented on his facebook first. So yeah, we got into a little fight last night. Ofcourse, I cried again, but I'm used to it. Haha, really hope things will get better between the both of us. We're having a kid for god's sake!

Oh btw, Karen and Ica sent me Rye's real photo. Haha dang. I haven't heard the whole story yet though.

I'm really having a hard time sleeping ): My body hurts so bad.. I know I've been complaining about it but I just can't take it anymore.. I really wish I would have a nice painless day before Lucas comes. I can't wait to see him though, I know he's going to be beautiful (:

I've been wanting to write on my journal again, but with these people, nothing's safely hidden.

I really don't know how to deal with my back pain anymore. Its getting stronger and stronger, but I don't think I'm in labor yet so no need to panic. Although, I have read articles that some pregnant had back labor and didn't know they were in labor already. Haha, oh well, a lot of people told me that I would just know.. I think its the mother's instinct. Haha. So yeah, Joseph's been teasing me about my weight ): I feel so fat now and depressed.. I stopped walking for a week. I think I should start walking again bec my back pain's unbearable. Exercise will probly help me from it and induce labor. Haha, I'm having cold feet though. I know I won't get enough rest and Joseph and I are going to get into a big fight after it, so I really don't know if I'm ready yet. Maybe two more weeks will do (: He's due in two weeks anways. I don't wanna exceed though, I just wanna have more time to think and relax before I enter a new world. I am sure gonna miss my teenage days where I only care for myself.. Now I'm gonna have to put the baby first. I just wish Joseph was here, I bet it would make everything easier. I miss having him beside me.

Oh, btw, my I lost my mucus plug on the 14th.. I thought it was time so I went and packed my hospital bag and even considered going to the hospital. Haha, everyone in my situation would though. Imagine waking up at 4 in the morning to pee and all of a sudden you see blood on the tissue.. I didn't even know what to think that time. I was just shocked. Haha, after packing my bag though, I realized that it probly was nothing and its just my body getting ready for labor. Haha!

It's our 14th month today (: I can't really tell if I'm happy or what. Haha, he's out with Phijang.. Nice choice of date to go out, huh. I don't even wanna know what they're doing there. I'm just too scared.